Almost a week ago, I officially turned 23 years old. I remember being fond of birthday parties when I was a kid, but somewhere along the annual monotonous birthdays and promises of a better year, I see my birthday now as a mere date reminding me how close I should be in knowing what I want and where I want to be.
Scary. That was the first thought that came to me.
How do one know what you truly want in life, of where you really want to be?
As human, we have this natural act of wanting. Wanting this, wanting that. But sometimes, wanting something is just a fleeting feeling when you find it pretty, cute or at that moment, happy. But how do know and explain if you really, truly, want something?
They say you must always work hard for something you want, to do anything to get it. I’ve learned it is not always the case.
And this is the same as knowing where you want to be. You want to be where you can do what you’re passionate about. To be where you will be motivated to grow everyday. To be in a place where inspiration is just everywhere. But sometimes you are stuck. And you don’t know how long it will be that way.
I didn’t intend this post to be sad, to be melodramatic. Let’s just say I am currently at this confusing crossroad.
If you know me, you can say I’m really blessed, that I should be happy. Believe it or not, I am. I am happy that I have a beautiful family – a complete one that I am proud of. I am happy that I have true friends- might be just a handful but I know they can be someone I can run to. I am happy that (atleast) I have a job – might not be what I wanted, but enough to sustain my everyday needs and even let me travel or eat at places I want.
I am forever grateful to God for giving me this life. Twenty – three years. Wow! I am really lucky!
But with me turning another year older (and hopefully wiser), I know that…
I am lost.
I am scared.
I don’t want to screw this up.
I pray and hope this will truly be a better year .
And since it is (was) my birthday, I wish for 3 things: (1) To know what I want and act on it (2) To let go and move forward (3) To learn to better appreciate myself and settle only for what I deserve.
PS. I promise my next post won’t be like this. :)
That’s it for now.
<3 always, Irene