Of questions about sadness

Lately, I’ve been pouring myself with more and comfort foods (like now while doing this post and I’m eating a tupperware full of chocolate biscuits)… And those who really knows me and are usually with me do notice. I don’t know if it’s with the season or generally I’m just a kid who loves to eat, but I’m not into comfort food when I’m okay and/or happy. That leads me to two think, either 1.) I’m stressed or 2.) I’m sad.

Yes, work has been putting more pressure on me lately with projects that I should meet deadlines and suppliers who seem not to know the meaning of “urgent”, but hey, I can still manage to get out of the office after that 8-hour shift, so maybe I’m not that on the verge of stress yet.

So, there lies the question, “AM I SAD?”

And to tell you honestly, I don’t know how to answer that. How can you even know if you’re sad or it is some other emotion you’re feeling? If you’ll be asking me that personally, I would just brush off, laugh and counter-react with either “Bakit? Mukha ba akong malungkot?” or “Bakit? Ang panget ko ba ngayon?”. I’m really not good in dealing with emotions and telling them to people without pretense. Let’s just say I’m used to handling my emotions all by myself. I did not grow up in a family where emotions are laid openly. I hate crying in front of someone because of my emotions stirring up because of disappointment, guilt or anger; though it’s okay if it’s because of something I’m watching or because something bad happened to someone close to me. But crying because I’m having a battle with myself? That, I really hate.

And having a battle with yourself is the worst of all battles (I can say this being someone who haven’t had any grave arguments or fights with anyone but herself). Sometimes I end up laying in bed and lulling myself to sleep with a handful of questions I want to answer and a another handful of words I should have said. “What if I did that?”, “Why didn’t I do it”, “I should have said this instead of…”, “I know this is pointless but…”, “Why am I feeling this way?”... Sometimes I end up crying because I feel like disappointing myself and those people who are counting on me. I just need to get everything out once in a while.

Have you ever experienced that? Letting the past or the events that had happened that day flash through your mind again and pinpoint those instances where you should have did otherwise or said this instead of that? What effect would it make to what you’re currently thinking? Would you have been more satisfied, less disappointed, perhaps happier?

It’s funny to think that I vow for optimism and good vibes for this year, and just 4 days since the new year, I’m now asking myself if I’m sad. With all the effort I put into this blog to make it as cheery as it is (with “happiness” all over), I’m now slashing it off with confusion and sadness.

Still, I remembered passing through a quote from Tumblr that goes like “Life is ironic. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence & absence to value presence.” And it somehow makes sense. How can you say you’re happy without experiencing how to be sad? Life is full of opposites and it is nothing but normal to expose yourself to one of each at times. That in experiencing sadness, you will learn how to appreciate happiness once you feel it.

Random illustration seen from Dreamstime.com

Maybe this is why I’m experiencing “sadness” again (though I still don’t know if this is the perfect word to describe what I’m feeling now). But if this is what it is, I’m embracing it. I cannot be happy all the time, can’t I? Let sadness engulf me once in a while, and I know I’ll get back up and feel happy afterwards. After all, I’m just human. We are allowed to get sad, right?

Much love as always, Irene <3

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